choosing

when jess found out she was pregnant, she felt sheer terror. her body trembled with emptiness. she did not know herself as mother. she did not see herself as mother. she saw mother as a trap, as a dress sewn so tight the body couldn't move.

she felt repulsion at the unasked-for. she felt anger; she felt taken over. the body, betrayed and out of control.

jess dreamed about being late for her appointment at the clinic. she kept looking at the clock. it was 8:05. it was 8:10. it was 8:15. she was running through a town full of parking garages, looking for the clinic. it was already too late, she dreamed. she had missed her 8 o'clock appointment. they would not see her now. she would have no choice.

at the clinic, at 8 o'clock, she talked to the doctor. she sobbed and apologized for sobbing. "i don't know why i am crying. i don't want you think that i have any doubt." he smiled kindly. he did not seem to expect her to have either doubt or conviction. he patted her hand, which made her cry harder. "i don't know why i'm crying," she repeated.

"we can give you something that might make you forget about this when it's over," he offered. "it's up to you. it's an injection that will help you feel better, but it might make your memory fuzzy."

"yes," she said. she wanted to forget, she thought. she knew that she wanted to forget. jess seemed to be moving forward but did not know how. she felt separate from her own body, as if in a dream; she knew what she wanted, but she didn't know why.