interview today
today i'll have an interview for a teaching position at ronan high school, on the flathead indian reservation. i'm excited about it -- this is the position i want more than any of the other apps i've sent out. a high school english teacher! what a job! it's so funny... we all have ideas of who these people are, these english teachers, because of our experiences and teachers growing up. what if i become one of them? how do i compare? how will i compare? is this the right archtype for me, or only a placeholder until i find another self?
i'm in a better mood as the day waxes. last night i went to sleep with a terrible monster curled in my belly. a self-hating monster, an ugly beast interested only in shaming me and gouging my eyes. i was so, so sad. its a feeling i have after almost any social interaction -- i feel drained, worthless, embarassed of myself. i awoke with it, too, but don't remember much of the intervening dreams. one where anne and amit and i were preparing some special rice, served on a huge pillowy, quilted carpet that was unrolled over a vast concrete walkway. ceremonial. i was up at 4am, working on some work (how i pay the bills) that i'd forgotten to do the night before. i went back to sleep at 5. the morning has grown out of the ugly crinkled awaking into something more soothing, a clarity, an unfolding. perhaps adrenalin for the interview? perhaps the beautiful, sunshiney day. i went out into it in my satin pajamas (they look like something cary grant would've worn in an old movie -- maroon with gold pinstripes and piping -- and soooo silky soft and sheeny) and my socks, which got wet, so then my bare feet. too cold for that yet but not *way* too cold. high in the 50s today, and the sun warms the earth superficially. if you stand in one place for too long, the frosty cold still seeps up through the mud, but it's okay. it's almost as though my standing there and sucking it out you are removing poison from the earth, encouraging it to warm sooner, conducting the winter frost through your body, into your calves, your ass, your teeth, and out of the top of your head into the universe. almost.
i'm in a better mood as the day waxes. last night i went to sleep with a terrible monster curled in my belly. a self-hating monster, an ugly beast interested only in shaming me and gouging my eyes. i was so, so sad. its a feeling i have after almost any social interaction -- i feel drained, worthless, embarassed of myself. i awoke with it, too, but don't remember much of the intervening dreams. one where anne and amit and i were preparing some special rice, served on a huge pillowy, quilted carpet that was unrolled over a vast concrete walkway. ceremonial. i was up at 4am, working on some work (how i pay the bills) that i'd forgotten to do the night before. i went back to sleep at 5. the morning has grown out of the ugly crinkled awaking into something more soothing, a clarity, an unfolding. perhaps adrenalin for the interview? perhaps the beautiful, sunshiney day. i went out into it in my satin pajamas (they look like something cary grant would've worn in an old movie -- maroon with gold pinstripes and piping -- and soooo silky soft and sheeny) and my socks, which got wet, so then my bare feet. too cold for that yet but not *way* too cold. high in the 50s today, and the sun warms the earth superficially. if you stand in one place for too long, the frosty cold still seeps up through the mud, but it's okay. it's almost as though my standing there and sucking it out you are removing poison from the earth, encouraging it to warm sooner, conducting the winter frost through your body, into your calves, your ass, your teeth, and out of the top of your head into the universe. almost.
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