a vision question
i had an aborted attempt at a vision quest a few weekends ago....
i fasted all day friday with the intention of hiking into the wilderness and spending two nights, meditating, etc. i left here friday afternoon and hiked in. todd hiked with me, and we were designating a communication point where i could leave a stone to signify to him that i was okay, and he could ride his bike up (it was only 3 miles in) to check on my rock on sat and sun morning, so he'd know i was okay. after we parted, he rode his bike further into the wilderness to do some scouting for elk hunting this fall, and i wandered around and tried to find a good, isolated spot for my camp. the trails were well-traveled, and i saw a guy with his dog, but i found a beautiful campsite under some trees next to the stream, and i started to set up camp. lo and behold, my tent's poles were missing. after struggling with what to do for a moment, i decided to lay down my tarp and my tent and put my sleeping bag on top and just sleep under the stars, at least for that night, and hike out in the morning. so i set up my makeshift camp, changed into flipflops and comfy camp clothes, and headed down to the water. i hadn't walked 50 yrds when i saw some other guy's tent, set up near mine but hidden back in the woods. not what i was looking for. so i packed up and walked back to the trail. i figured i could catch todd on his way down and go home. it was just not unfolding as planned. on my hike out, i saw a moose. she was huge and frightening and lovely. about halfway out, todd caught up with me on his bike. we walked out together. i was disappointed but not totally disheartened. i'd had a good day, a full 24-hr fast, and a six mile hike with a full backpack to boot. it felt like i'd accomplished something, at least, and i thought my reasons for coming out were meaningful. i decided to just got for an overnight camping trip by myself on saturday. drive-to campsite, no fast, but at least me and a tent and a fire. something small, less ambitious, but still something. i left around 6pm and drove to a nearby river we love, and tried to find a good campground (read: empty). no such luck. i found one with a guy i could see from every site, so i drove on. i went up to a place called grizzly campground, which i liked a lot. there was a weird metal-grill looking thing in the first campsite, so i drove around a little. at the next set of sties there was an rv. i decided alone-ness was not in the cards for me, so i went back down to the first set of sites and set up camp. the rv was about 200 yds away, and at least i couldn't see it. i set up my tent, etc. chewy was with me. a truck drove past down on the road (which was about 40 yds from my camp), and i tried to hide behind my tent, so they couldn't see i was a woman alone. i built but didn't light a small fire, and then chewy and i went to the nearby trailhead. it was probably 730, so we didn't have much light left. we hiked up. it was a great hike, relaxing and thoughtful and so, so quiet. we heard grouse drumming. on the way out, i left the trail to walk towards a small creek and scared a grouse from his spot. he scared the shit out of me, too. when i got back to camp, i lit a fire and drank a beer and smoked a little. it was blue twilight. my camp was at the bottom of a talus slope and someone had come and set up in the next campsite, but after a while i felt less resentment about the company and more welcoming. he was alone, too, and set up his tent about 40 yards from me. i didn't see him very well, and i never talked to him, but there was a quiet camaraderie on our end of the campground. he set up in the site between my site and the one that had the weird metal grill thing. it was like a steel cage. in fact, it was a cage. about ten mins after i got back to my site, a woman drove by. chewy ran out to see her (i think she was hoping it was todd) and the woman hollered into my site: "did you hear about the bear?" "no...?" i yelled. i got out my tent, where i had been sitting and looking at the fire, and went to meet her on the road. she said she was a caretaker for a house about a mile away, and they had a nuisance bear. it wasn't afraid of dogs, was habituated to people, etc. they were trying to trap it -- so the metal grill thingy was a *bear trap*. she said she couldnt' believe i'd camped right near it. i said i had no idea that's what it was. she told me it was a sow, and i shoudl be careful, and left. a few minutes later, the rv people strolled down to check us out. they wanted to warn me about the bear, too. they asked if i had a clean campsite. i had no food, but i had three beers, one of which chewy spilled. they said i should worry, but i could move my tent up by them if i felt more comfortable. they said some people that had set up down here on friday had moved up by them for the safety in numbers factor. i was tired. i didn't want to move my tent. they alternately reassured me i would be fine and scared me with bear-encounter stories of their own. (one of the stories involved a bear getting into a cooler that had only beer and soda in it. they then tried to tell me that my spilled beer was not a problem. they also said that chewy would bark and scare away a bear, but tha tthis bear wasn't afraid of dogs. chewy would have gone right after the bear if she'd seen it, so that was worrisome.) they were nice, and he was holding a beer. they were funny married-for-a-long-time people who finished each other's sentences in a way that implied they'd told this same story many times before. in unison, and with the exact same words. i went back to my tent. i cleaned up the spilled beer by spilling some water and wiped down the inside of my tent and put the full and ampty beers back in my car. it was probably near 10 and almost entirely dark. i threw some hugs logs on the fire in hopes it would burn all night and keep bear away. chewy and i peed and then tried to go to sleep. for about two hours, i tossed and turned. i told myself i would be fine. i held my little pocket knife in my hand, and in my pocket, and laid it by my pillow, as i imagined various escape scenarios. i felt very tired, though, and pretty relaxed overall, and i finally managed to doze off, only to be awakened by the rv people's dogs barking like crazy at the head of the campground. they'd said "our dogs will warn you if she passes through." then i remembered the first woman saying "well, if your dogs starts barking, i'd hightail it back to your car." and i remembered her saying "they'll just try to relocate her. unless, of course, she hurts someone at the campground." then i remembered the book _night of the grizzly_, and how everyone knew the bears were habituated and knew they came to feed and still stayed in their paths. and died. and i thought about how close i was to the bear trap and how silly that was, and all of these thoughts circled and circled until sleep was an impossibility. and i was _so_ _freekin_ _tired_. so i got together my bag with hat and camera and anything important (knife, glasses, warm hat), and i picked up my pillow and sleeping bag and flashlight and struck out for the car. it may have been midnight. it was a nearly new moon, no light whatsoever. my flashlight didn't really reach the car, so i headed in the direction i thought the car was. i ended up at the nearby, empty campsite. it was scary how dark and directionless it was. at least the campsite gave me bearings to know about where my car was, so i turned back and tried again. i was, of course, swinging the light around everywhere looking for scary bear eyes in teh dark, too. i couldn't get the car open fast enough. i loaded up my stuff and clibmed in to get some sleep. my tent still sat by the fire, abandoned. i woke up a few times in the night. it wasn't as comfortable as my tent had been. at the first light, around 530 or 6, chewy and i both woke up. we were rearranging ourselves when chewy started growling. i knew she saw the bear. i grabbed my glassees and my camera (not enough light for pictures, but i didn't care) and looked out. the bear was walking at the bottom of the talus, towards my tent. just before she reached the tent, she headed up the talus. i rolled down the window to try to take some pictures. chewy, of course, growled and barked out the window. it turned at looked at us, and continued up slope. i silently cheered it for avoiding the bear trap. when it got high enough up the slope, chewy and i ran to the campsite and i tried to get some pictures of it a the top of the slope. chewy kept barking. it dissapeared behind the trees. i laughed and congratulated chewy and packe dup my empty tent and put out my fire and left.
i fasted all day friday with the intention of hiking into the wilderness and spending two nights, meditating, etc. i left here friday afternoon and hiked in. todd hiked with me, and we were designating a communication point where i could leave a stone to signify to him that i was okay, and he could ride his bike up (it was only 3 miles in) to check on my rock on sat and sun morning, so he'd know i was okay. after we parted, he rode his bike further into the wilderness to do some scouting for elk hunting this fall, and i wandered around and tried to find a good, isolated spot for my camp. the trails were well-traveled, and i saw a guy with his dog, but i found a beautiful campsite under some trees next to the stream, and i started to set up camp. lo and behold, my tent's poles were missing. after struggling with what to do for a moment, i decided to lay down my tarp and my tent and put my sleeping bag on top and just sleep under the stars, at least for that night, and hike out in the morning. so i set up my makeshift camp, changed into flipflops and comfy camp clothes, and headed down to the water. i hadn't walked 50 yrds when i saw some other guy's tent, set up near mine but hidden back in the woods. not what i was looking for. so i packed up and walked back to the trail. i figured i could catch todd on his way down and go home. it was just not unfolding as planned. on my hike out, i saw a moose. she was huge and frightening and lovely. about halfway out, todd caught up with me on his bike. we walked out together. i was disappointed but not totally disheartened. i'd had a good day, a full 24-hr fast, and a six mile hike with a full backpack to boot. it felt like i'd accomplished something, at least, and i thought my reasons for coming out were meaningful. i decided to just got for an overnight camping trip by myself on saturday. drive-to campsite, no fast, but at least me and a tent and a fire. something small, less ambitious, but still something. i left around 6pm and drove to a nearby river we love, and tried to find a good campground (read: empty). no such luck. i found one with a guy i could see from every site, so i drove on. i went up to a place called grizzly campground, which i liked a lot. there was a weird metal-grill looking thing in the first campsite, so i drove around a little. at the next set of sties there was an rv. i decided alone-ness was not in the cards for me, so i went back down to the first set of sites and set up camp. the rv was about 200 yds away, and at least i couldn't see it. i set up my tent, etc. chewy was with me. a truck drove past down on the road (which was about 40 yds from my camp), and i tried to hide behind my tent, so they couldn't see i was a woman alone. i built but didn't light a small fire, and then chewy and i went to the nearby trailhead. it was probably 730, so we didn't have much light left. we hiked up. it was a great hike, relaxing and thoughtful and so, so quiet. we heard grouse drumming. on the way out, i left the trail to walk towards a small creek and scared a grouse from his spot. he scared the shit out of me, too. when i got back to camp, i lit a fire and drank a beer and smoked a little. it was blue twilight. my camp was at the bottom of a talus slope and someone had come and set up in the next campsite, but after a while i felt less resentment about the company and more welcoming. he was alone, too, and set up his tent about 40 yards from me. i didn't see him very well, and i never talked to him, but there was a quiet camaraderie on our end of the campground. he set up in the site between my site and the one that had the weird metal grill thing. it was like a steel cage. in fact, it was a cage. about ten mins after i got back to my site, a woman drove by. chewy ran out to see her (i think she was hoping it was todd) and the woman hollered into my site: "did you hear about the bear?" "no...?" i yelled. i got out my tent, where i had been sitting and looking at the fire, and went to meet her on the road. she said she was a caretaker for a house about a mile away, and they had a nuisance bear. it wasn't afraid of dogs, was habituated to people, etc. they were trying to trap it -- so the metal grill thingy was a *bear trap*. she said she couldnt' believe i'd camped right near it. i said i had no idea that's what it was. she told me it was a sow, and i shoudl be careful, and left. a few minutes later, the rv people strolled down to check us out. they wanted to warn me about the bear, too. they asked if i had a clean campsite. i had no food, but i had three beers, one of which chewy spilled. they said i should worry, but i could move my tent up by them if i felt more comfortable. they said some people that had set up down here on friday had moved up by them for the safety in numbers factor. i was tired. i didn't want to move my tent. they alternately reassured me i would be fine and scared me with bear-encounter stories of their own. (one of the stories involved a bear getting into a cooler that had only beer and soda in it. they then tried to tell me that my spilled beer was not a problem. they also said that chewy would bark and scare away a bear, but tha tthis bear wasn't afraid of dogs. chewy would have gone right after the bear if she'd seen it, so that was worrisome.) they were nice, and he was holding a beer. they were funny married-for-a-long-time people who finished each other's sentences in a way that implied they'd told this same story many times before. in unison, and with the exact same words. i went back to my tent. i cleaned up the spilled beer by spilling some water and wiped down the inside of my tent and put the full and ampty beers back in my car. it was probably near 10 and almost entirely dark. i threw some hugs logs on the fire in hopes it would burn all night and keep bear away. chewy and i peed and then tried to go to sleep. for about two hours, i tossed and turned. i told myself i would be fine. i held my little pocket knife in my hand, and in my pocket, and laid it by my pillow, as i imagined various escape scenarios. i felt very tired, though, and pretty relaxed overall, and i finally managed to doze off, only to be awakened by the rv people's dogs barking like crazy at the head of the campground. they'd said "our dogs will warn you if she passes through." then i remembered the first woman saying "well, if your dogs starts barking, i'd hightail it back to your car." and i remembered her saying "they'll just try to relocate her. unless, of course, she hurts someone at the campground." then i remembered the book _night of the grizzly_, and how everyone knew the bears were habituated and knew they came to feed and still stayed in their paths. and died. and i thought about how close i was to the bear trap and how silly that was, and all of these thoughts circled and circled until sleep was an impossibility. and i was _so_ _freekin_ _tired_. so i got together my bag with hat and camera and anything important (knife, glasses, warm hat), and i picked up my pillow and sleeping bag and flashlight and struck out for the car. it may have been midnight. it was a nearly new moon, no light whatsoever. my flashlight didn't really reach the car, so i headed in the direction i thought the car was. i ended up at the nearby, empty campsite. it was scary how dark and directionless it was. at least the campsite gave me bearings to know about where my car was, so i turned back and tried again. i was, of course, swinging the light around everywhere looking for scary bear eyes in teh dark, too. i couldn't get the car open fast enough. i loaded up my stuff and clibmed in to get some sleep. my tent still sat by the fire, abandoned. i woke up a few times in the night. it wasn't as comfortable as my tent had been. at the first light, around 530 or 6, chewy and i both woke up. we were rearranging ourselves when chewy started growling. i knew she saw the bear. i grabbed my glassees and my camera (not enough light for pictures, but i didn't care) and looked out. the bear was walking at the bottom of the talus, towards my tent. just before she reached the tent, she headed up the talus. i rolled down the window to try to take some pictures. chewy, of course, growled and barked out the window. it turned at looked at us, and continued up slope. i silently cheered it for avoiding the bear trap. when it got high enough up the slope, chewy and i ran to the campsite and i tried to get some pictures of it a the top of the slope. chewy kept barking. it dissapeared behind the trees. i laughed and congratulated chewy and packe dup my empty tent and put out my fire and left.
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